Wow. Haven't written for months. So much has happened since April that I'm not sure where to start. I guess the biggest thing is that I moved back to Victoria. After quite a few weeks of debating and weighing the pros and cons of the situation, my heart told me that I should go home and be close to my family and friends. My parents are getting older and their health seems to be on a steady decline as of late. My Mom just went through cancer treatment and my Dad had 2 cataracts removed. They are slowing down and refuse to downsize their house and want to stay put. I figured I could at least be there to help with the yard or whatnot. Not only that, they also sold their business this year after a long and somewhat painful process. Many big changes that are sometimes difficult to go through without any support. I also feel like I owe them a whole lifetime of support considering I spent pretty much my whole life being a super spoiled little brat and treating them like shit. There are not enough words to describe how much I regret being so difficult and also how grateful I am for their unconditional love and support for the last 30 years of my life. My Dad and I went through some seriously rough times throughout my teen years. Granted, he was drunk most of the time and was verbally abusive, that fueled my anger and so did hormones...it was not a good scene. We have however made amends after many years of pain and resentment. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that I feel like we have a lifetime of making up to do but due to his declining health, there won't be enough time for any of that to ever happen. He was my hero when I was a little girl and I guess he still is a little bit. He's weathered, crotchety, funny, smart, silly, and somehow through all the bullshit over the years he's the coolest Dad on the planet. :)
I am happy to be home however alot of things have changed. The dynamic between my best friend and I has changed. She seems to have grabbed life by the balls while I was away and has a life full of work and activity. She is busy most of the time now and doesn't have time to hang out like we used to. I feel like I'm getting in the way of all of these advances that she has made and that I don't fit into her new life. While I understand people grow and change over time, it's hard to accept that people who you were close to for many years will move on with their lives if you are not around. Many other friends are now mothers and wives. I love these girls till death do us part, but sometimes it's difficult to relate to all of the things they talk about. I'm not even sure I want to have kids or even be married now. It seems like alot of trouble and stress and compromise and drama and poopy diapers that would be better to avoid altogether! Just yesterday I learned about the mind fucking that happens between spouses even for something as simple as taking the garbage out! Seriously!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Rain Rain, STAY away.
Another month passes and here is April. It's been a dreary winter and by the amount of rain Vancouver has received this year so far, it'll be interesting to see if summer ever comes. Most days I wake up with a headache or feeling like I didn't sleep at all despite going to bed at a reasonable hour. My Mom has always said that maybe the low pressure weather systems are responsible for how I feel. She has suffered from headaches for years. I'm thinking that maybe I should consider moving again...this time farther from home. To another province, were the weather is a little more consistent. I can deal with snow, in fact I really enjoy snow, but this gray, dreary, endless misery is just about enough. If it wasn't for the constant state of depression, life would be friggin great. However, somewhere inside of me there is a part that is still not over breaking up with Will. Despite being nearly a year ago when we first ended things. They say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. If this were true, I should be fine by now and moving on with life. Everyday I think about something that reminds me of us. Then I wonder if I did enough to try to save the relationship. Then I wonder if maybe I should have been happy with what I had? Even though I wasn't super happy? Despite all of the problems we had, I still loved him and we had a deep connection. We knew what the other was thinking (most of the time) and we knew how to be silly together. Does all of that make up for the dysfunction that we had? I look at other couples out there who were even more fucked up than us and they stay together. Maybe it's because they are too afraid to let go and be alone, or they don't know any better. Being single and alone is a pretty foreign concept to me. I've almost always had a boyfriend and when I didn't, I was partying my face off trying to forget about the fact that I was alone. Now it's reality and honestly, very lonely. I keep busy with work and staying somewhat healthy. I'm trying really hard to better myself and my life. But what's it all for? I'm convinced there are no decent men left out there, and if there are, they are nowhere in my radar. Crystal and I talk about this practically every day, how much men piss us off. How we are evolving and growing and aware of our selves more than we have ever been. Yet men stay the same, they don't evolve or change. They even seem to go backwards! It seems to be difficult for men to take responsibility for themselves. Many guys I know, both friends and family talk alot about how they "want" to change. Be it get healthy, stop smoking/drinking, go back to school, get a better job, etc. Yet they are not capable of putting one foot in front of the other and just doing it. Women are more aware of what they need to do to better themselves and are able to put a plan into action. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that I have taken all the right steps to heal from the past few years, but I am still left feeling very empty and unfulfilled. It's hard to believe that someone with the same values and ideas as me will come along and sweep me off my feet. Where is the payoff for all the hard work or is there really ever a payoff? Ultimately the goal is to find an ideal mate who compliments your life instead of complicate it.
Sobriety has been challenging and I have had many urges to drink. It would be so easy to go out and buy a bottle of wine and drink it alone. Then I could forget about the fact that I'm alone in a big city. But then I remember how far I've come and how shitty I'd feel about myself if I took that drink. All of the progress would be undone in just one sip. One thing I've learned about myself over the past year is that I am strong. Despite whining alot about this or that, deep down I know I am capable of whatever I want. Just need to set my mind to it and go. It's like working out. When I do a hardcore workout, I focus on the end result. No matter how out of breath I get or how much I sweat and feel like I'm about to collapse, I keep going and try to think about how good I'll feel when I'm done. It works.
Another thing that recently occured to me is that my circle of friends seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Another life change that is difficult to accept. Everyone grows apart and most of the girlfriends I've had for years are getting farther and farther away. Mainly because they all have babies and husbands. It's sad to think that we spent so many years together partying and being there for each other. Now we hardly talk and getting together is almost impossible. Alas, I have to let this go. I don't want to be one of those people that gets stuck in the past and desperately wishes things could be the way "they used to be". At the end of the day we will still be friends on some level, but none of us really have much in common anymore. You don't truly understand this until it starts to happen right in front of you. I guess it's a sign of growing up too. The activities we used to all enjoy together are old and past. Life goes on.
So much for blogging regularly....should probably stop watching Jersey Shore and do something productive!
Sobriety has been challenging and I have had many urges to drink. It would be so easy to go out and buy a bottle of wine and drink it alone. Then I could forget about the fact that I'm alone in a big city. But then I remember how far I've come and how shitty I'd feel about myself if I took that drink. All of the progress would be undone in just one sip. One thing I've learned about myself over the past year is that I am strong. Despite whining alot about this or that, deep down I know I am capable of whatever I want. Just need to set my mind to it and go. It's like working out. When I do a hardcore workout, I focus on the end result. No matter how out of breath I get or how much I sweat and feel like I'm about to collapse, I keep going and try to think about how good I'll feel when I'm done. It works.
Another thing that recently occured to me is that my circle of friends seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Another life change that is difficult to accept. Everyone grows apart and most of the girlfriends I've had for years are getting farther and farther away. Mainly because they all have babies and husbands. It's sad to think that we spent so many years together partying and being there for each other. Now we hardly talk and getting together is almost impossible. Alas, I have to let this go. I don't want to be one of those people that gets stuck in the past and desperately wishes things could be the way "they used to be". At the end of the day we will still be friends on some level, but none of us really have much in common anymore. You don't truly understand this until it starts to happen right in front of you. I guess it's a sign of growing up too. The activities we used to all enjoy together are old and past. Life goes on.
So much for blogging regularly....should probably stop watching Jersey Shore and do something productive!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wow. So much for being good at blogging.
It's been ages since I first posted. As each day passes I realize I have less and less time to sit here and air my dirty brain laundry, but definitely see the benefit in doing so on a regular basis. Committing to posting once a week is not too much to ask of ones' self is it? Not when that's about one hour out of an entire week where I'd likely be sitting here rotting my brain with youtube vids or procrasterbating. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=procrasterbating
The last little while has been all about work for the most part. Becoming more and more confident in what I'm doing and trying to get into a good routine. The unfortunate thing for anyone who has ever been an adjuster knows that it is a very unpredictable career, you could be on the verge of a nervous breakdown one minute and hearing crickets chirping from behind your cubicle. The best part about the unpredictability is that every day is different and every customer is different. The variety is what I enjoy the most about it and also educating people about their insurance policy and making them see that we are not just here to "rip them off" as most people put it. There is a responsibility for said customer to know what they are purchasing and they are in fact signing a legal contract when entering an insurance policy. According to law, a contract is binding when two parties agree to its terms and could only be voided if one party was not in a competent state of mind to agree to it. "So Mr. Insured, you're telling me your Broker held a gun to your head and threatened your life and the lives of your family if you wouldn't agree to a $500 deductible?" Mmmmmhmmmm. Sure. Many people try to play the ignorance card when they hear something they don't like and that is the most challenging part. That and the fraudsters. You develop and instinct for "shady" claims and eventually learn to ask the right questions to get the answers you want. All part of the fun in the day of the life of an adjuster. I will post this video again as it just made me keel over and nearly croak with laughter. Thanks Teena for making me feel better with this one :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN0rsAaJ8mw
Another thing that made me think deep thoughts was the upcoming International Women's Day. It's tomorrow. My wifey posted this awesome video, it's very thought provoking and if the facts are true, women need to take a stand and start doing something about the inequality.
http://www.cbc.ca/strombo/show-video/are-we-really-equals.html
(Nothing like Daniel Craig....even as a woman) The part that made me think is the comment below left by r0bl0ng :
"As women and men become more identical, the birthrate falls. The people and culture of the western world from which this unisex ideal has been born is going extinct. That's not just opinion - it's science - as described by Darwin. Radical feminism can't logically survive. It arose out of the Baby-Boomer generation of the Western World, reached its heights in the Gen-Xers and will dissappear from history just as quickly as the childless GenXers die off.
Who will inherit the earth? The cultures that still have babies."
I disagree with his opinion. Then I though, women, can reproduce without men. There are thousands of women out there who have used artificial insemination to become pregnant. All they need is a little bit of a mans sacred love juice and a turkey baster. Well maybe something a little classier than than, but you get the idea. Now men, seem to shoot said love juice at anyone, anytime, without little thought to the fact that someone might actually want some of it for the purpose of procreation. Maybe somewhere a secret society of women will start roaming the earth, sneaking into the homes and cars and offices of men and stealing their little sea-men! How many guys have you know to get drunk and have a one night stand with a women he didn't know, pass out after the act of coitus, leaving a nice puddle for said woman to lie in? Maybe these men should start sleeping with one eye open.....no one's sperm will be safe! The point I'm getting as is that women don't need men, they need us. So I will celebrate International Womens Day as a strong, independent female.
A sinus infection has overcome me and it's time for bed. Goodnight world!
The last little while has been all about work for the most part. Becoming more and more confident in what I'm doing and trying to get into a good routine. The unfortunate thing for anyone who has ever been an adjuster knows that it is a very unpredictable career, you could be on the verge of a nervous breakdown one minute and hearing crickets chirping from behind your cubicle. The best part about the unpredictability is that every day is different and every customer is different. The variety is what I enjoy the most about it and also educating people about their insurance policy and making them see that we are not just here to "rip them off" as most people put it. There is a responsibility for said customer to know what they are purchasing and they are in fact signing a legal contract when entering an insurance policy. According to law, a contract is binding when two parties agree to its terms and could only be voided if one party was not in a competent state of mind to agree to it. "So Mr. Insured, you're telling me your Broker held a gun to your head and threatened your life and the lives of your family if you wouldn't agree to a $500 deductible?" Mmmmmhmmmm. Sure. Many people try to play the ignorance card when they hear something they don't like and that is the most challenging part. That and the fraudsters. You develop and instinct for "shady" claims and eventually learn to ask the right questions to get the answers you want. All part of the fun in the day of the life of an adjuster. I will post this video again as it just made me keel over and nearly croak with laughter. Thanks Teena for making me feel better with this one :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN0rsAaJ8mw
Another thing that made me think deep thoughts was the upcoming International Women's Day. It's tomorrow. My wifey posted this awesome video, it's very thought provoking and if the facts are true, women need to take a stand and start doing something about the inequality.
http://www.cbc.ca/strombo/show-video/are-we-really-equals.html
(Nothing like Daniel Craig....even as a woman) The part that made me think is the comment below left by r0bl0ng :
"As women and men become more identical, the birthrate falls. The people and culture of the western world from which this unisex ideal has been born is going extinct. That's not just opinion - it's science - as described by Darwin. Radical feminism can't logically survive. It arose out of the Baby-Boomer generation of the Western World, reached its heights in the Gen-Xers and will dissappear from history just as quickly as the childless GenXers die off.
Who will inherit the earth? The cultures that still have babies."
I disagree with his opinion. Then I though, women, can reproduce without men. There are thousands of women out there who have used artificial insemination to become pregnant. All they need is a little bit of a mans sacred love juice and a turkey baster. Well maybe something a little classier than than, but you get the idea. Now men, seem to shoot said love juice at anyone, anytime, without little thought to the fact that someone might actually want some of it for the purpose of procreation. Maybe somewhere a secret society of women will start roaming the earth, sneaking into the homes and cars and offices of men and stealing their little sea-men! How many guys have you know to get drunk and have a one night stand with a women he didn't know, pass out after the act of coitus, leaving a nice puddle for said woman to lie in? Maybe these men should start sleeping with one eye open.....no one's sperm will be safe! The point I'm getting as is that women don't need men, they need us. So I will celebrate International Womens Day as a strong, independent female.
A sinus infection has overcome me and it's time for bed. Goodnight world!
Friday, January 21, 2011
New life, many thoughts floating in my dome.....
So my wifey and best friend Crystal announced she was starting a blog. She is also single and finding that there is alot of things in life worth writing about especially as we enter our 30's and seem to become wiser as each day passes. As I read her facebook post about said blog, I remembered that I had signed up to start a blog ages ago but never had the balls to actually write anything. So today I begin, hopefully Crystal won't be mad that I'm doing the same thing, but I seem to have this problem of not being able to shut of my brain....ever...so maybe this will help me clarify some things.
So first things first. Vancouver. I moved over here in August of last year. It's hard to believe that it's been nearly 6 months already. Time flies. I am settled on the North Shore in a very lovely apartment with a water and mountain view. The neighborhood is relatively quiet and reminds me of Victoria in some ways. I think that's why I was drawn to it. On the edge of the big city, but not central. Kind of like me, slightly out in right field. I spend my evenings working out, reading, painting, listening to and downloading music and watching whatever shows happen to be downloaded on my computer. The library up the street is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I never knew how satisfying it is to go sit in a quiet place and read books about things that interest me. This is something so simple, yet I took it for granted before. My job is extremely stressful and high pressure. There are very high expectations of what a field adjuster must do and say and there is a huge learning curve. I am becoming more confident every day, but it a slow process. I hope one day it will all click for me and I will have the knowledge and ability to stand up to a difficult customer and know what I'm talking about instead of leaving and having a good cry in the car on the way home....ha ha.
It is lonely sometimes and sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision moving over here. I have always been a very social person and thrived being the center of attention and seeing my friends everyday. Now I have to rely on myself to stay happy and entertained. It's a huge change and one that still feels awkward at the best of times. Being single is also a foreign subject for me. Well at least sober-single is foreign. In the past I just got thorough the pain of a break up by getting totally wasted and numbing myself to any feelings whatsoever. Looking back, I wish I had been smarter when I was younger and allowed myself to grieve those losses properly because I'd probably be in a different place now. I don't regret being sober and I'm thankful that I've been able to stay that way for this long. Staying sober is my number one goal and each day gets easier. What I've accomplished since I quit drinking is proof in itself that sobriety is the way to go. So many people I know are completely in denial that they could even have a problem and they keep complaining about how shitty their lives are. If they could just put 2 and 2 together and figure it out. Another thing I've learned through this process is that everyone must figure themselves out on their own. No one can be forced to change or live a life they don't want to live. A huge mistake I've made is trying to change people or "fix" them or "help" them. After another failed relationship I realize that you have to love a person unconditionally, flaws and all an accept them how they are. If their lifestyle doesn't jive with yours then perhaps it's not realistic to be a part of each other lives.
Being single is something that I've been analyzing over and over recently. I'm preparing myself for spinsterhood. (see: http://diaryofaspinsteraunt.blogspot.com/ ) It's a sad but true reality in this day and age. More and more women are choosing a life without a male companion. Why is this? Has our quest for women's right over the past century come back to bite us in the ass? Now that we have the independance and equality we have been scratching and clawing for for ages, is it possible that men are indeed not necessary to make our lives bearable. In fact, men typically complicate our lives or cause us more stress than we need to deal with. Maybe I'm just jaded (yes, I am jaded) as I've made some poor decisions when it comes to relationships. I just don't think there is any out there who will actually love me for who I am and accept the nerotic, depressive, mess that is me. And if there is someone, he probably lives in some exotic country and we'll never meet. My wifey and I were also discussing how we have both recently experienced men who are completely effed up. Like jobless and totally emotionally crippled and in denial that their lives are a shit storm. We wonder how it's possible to be so completely clueless and out of control of your own self? Is it our generation that is the problem? The demographic? I think perhaps our generation is a greedy, spoiled one. Our parents gave us everything we wanted and more and now we have this sense of entitlement now. We feel that we don't need to work hard for a living or put any effort in because something will just fall in our lap. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way and eventually a rude awakening occurs.
Not sure where this blog is going to go from here. Likely alot of men bashing for now...LOL.
So first things first. Vancouver. I moved over here in August of last year. It's hard to believe that it's been nearly 6 months already. Time flies. I am settled on the North Shore in a very lovely apartment with a water and mountain view. The neighborhood is relatively quiet and reminds me of Victoria in some ways. I think that's why I was drawn to it. On the edge of the big city, but not central. Kind of like me, slightly out in right field. I spend my evenings working out, reading, painting, listening to and downloading music and watching whatever shows happen to be downloaded on my computer. The library up the street is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I never knew how satisfying it is to go sit in a quiet place and read books about things that interest me. This is something so simple, yet I took it for granted before. My job is extremely stressful and high pressure. There are very high expectations of what a field adjuster must do and say and there is a huge learning curve. I am becoming more confident every day, but it a slow process. I hope one day it will all click for me and I will have the knowledge and ability to stand up to a difficult customer and know what I'm talking about instead of leaving and having a good cry in the car on the way home....ha ha.
It is lonely sometimes and sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision moving over here. I have always been a very social person and thrived being the center of attention and seeing my friends everyday. Now I have to rely on myself to stay happy and entertained. It's a huge change and one that still feels awkward at the best of times. Being single is also a foreign subject for me. Well at least sober-single is foreign. In the past I just got thorough the pain of a break up by getting totally wasted and numbing myself to any feelings whatsoever. Looking back, I wish I had been smarter when I was younger and allowed myself to grieve those losses properly because I'd probably be in a different place now. I don't regret being sober and I'm thankful that I've been able to stay that way for this long. Staying sober is my number one goal and each day gets easier. What I've accomplished since I quit drinking is proof in itself that sobriety is the way to go. So many people I know are completely in denial that they could even have a problem and they keep complaining about how shitty their lives are. If they could just put 2 and 2 together and figure it out. Another thing I've learned through this process is that everyone must figure themselves out on their own. No one can be forced to change or live a life they don't want to live. A huge mistake I've made is trying to change people or "fix" them or "help" them. After another failed relationship I realize that you have to love a person unconditionally, flaws and all an accept them how they are. If their lifestyle doesn't jive with yours then perhaps it's not realistic to be a part of each other lives.
Being single is something that I've been analyzing over and over recently. I'm preparing myself for spinsterhood. (see: http://diaryofaspinsteraunt.blogspot.com/ ) It's a sad but true reality in this day and age. More and more women are choosing a life without a male companion. Why is this? Has our quest for women's right over the past century come back to bite us in the ass? Now that we have the independance and equality we have been scratching and clawing for for ages, is it possible that men are indeed not necessary to make our lives bearable. In fact, men typically complicate our lives or cause us more stress than we need to deal with. Maybe I'm just jaded (yes, I am jaded) as I've made some poor decisions when it comes to relationships. I just don't think there is any out there who will actually love me for who I am and accept the nerotic, depressive, mess that is me. And if there is someone, he probably lives in some exotic country and we'll never meet. My wifey and I were also discussing how we have both recently experienced men who are completely effed up. Like jobless and totally emotionally crippled and in denial that their lives are a shit storm. We wonder how it's possible to be so completely clueless and out of control of your own self? Is it our generation that is the problem? The demographic? I think perhaps our generation is a greedy, spoiled one. Our parents gave us everything we wanted and more and now we have this sense of entitlement now. We feel that we don't need to work hard for a living or put any effort in because something will just fall in our lap. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way and eventually a rude awakening occurs.
Not sure where this blog is going to go from here. Likely alot of men bashing for now...LOL.
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