Another month passes and here is April. It's been a dreary winter and by the amount of rain Vancouver has received this year so far, it'll be interesting to see if summer ever comes. Most days I wake up with a headache or feeling like I didn't sleep at all despite going to bed at a reasonable hour. My Mom has always said that maybe the low pressure weather systems are responsible for how I feel. She has suffered from headaches for years. I'm thinking that maybe I should consider moving again...this time farther from home. To another province, were the weather is a little more consistent. I can deal with snow, in fact I really enjoy snow, but this gray, dreary, endless misery is just about enough. If it wasn't for the constant state of depression, life would be friggin great. However, somewhere inside of me there is a part that is still not over breaking up with Will. Despite being nearly a year ago when we first ended things. They say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. If this were true, I should be fine by now and moving on with life. Everyday I think about something that reminds me of us. Then I wonder if I did enough to try to save the relationship. Then I wonder if maybe I should have been happy with what I had? Even though I wasn't super happy? Despite all of the problems we had, I still loved him and we had a deep connection. We knew what the other was thinking (most of the time) and we knew how to be silly together. Does all of that make up for the dysfunction that we had? I look at other couples out there who were even more fucked up than us and they stay together. Maybe it's because they are too afraid to let go and be alone, or they don't know any better. Being single and alone is a pretty foreign concept to me. I've almost always had a boyfriend and when I didn't, I was partying my face off trying to forget about the fact that I was alone. Now it's reality and honestly, very lonely. I keep busy with work and staying somewhat healthy. I'm trying really hard to better myself and my life. But what's it all for? I'm convinced there are no decent men left out there, and if there are, they are nowhere in my radar. Crystal and I talk about this practically every day, how much men piss us off. How we are evolving and growing and aware of our selves more than we have ever been. Yet men stay the same, they don't evolve or change. They even seem to go backwards! It seems to be difficult for men to take responsibility for themselves. Many guys I know, both friends and family talk alot about how they "want" to change. Be it get healthy, stop smoking/drinking, go back to school, get a better job, etc. Yet they are not capable of putting one foot in front of the other and just doing it. Women are more aware of what they need to do to better themselves and are able to put a plan into action. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that I have taken all the right steps to heal from the past few years, but I am still left feeling very empty and unfulfilled. It's hard to believe that someone with the same values and ideas as me will come along and sweep me off my feet. Where is the payoff for all the hard work or is there really ever a payoff? Ultimately the goal is to find an ideal mate who compliments your life instead of complicate it.
Sobriety has been challenging and I have had many urges to drink. It would be so easy to go out and buy a bottle of wine and drink it alone. Then I could forget about the fact that I'm alone in a big city. But then I remember how far I've come and how shitty I'd feel about myself if I took that drink. All of the progress would be undone in just one sip. One thing I've learned about myself over the past year is that I am strong. Despite whining alot about this or that, deep down I know I am capable of whatever I want. Just need to set my mind to it and go. It's like working out. When I do a hardcore workout, I focus on the end result. No matter how out of breath I get or how much I sweat and feel like I'm about to collapse, I keep going and try to think about how good I'll feel when I'm done. It works.
Another thing that recently occured to me is that my circle of friends seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Another life change that is difficult to accept. Everyone grows apart and most of the girlfriends I've had for years are getting farther and farther away. Mainly because they all have babies and husbands. It's sad to think that we spent so many years together partying and being there for each other. Now we hardly talk and getting together is almost impossible. Alas, I have to let this go. I don't want to be one of those people that gets stuck in the past and desperately wishes things could be the way "they used to be". At the end of the day we will still be friends on some level, but none of us really have much in common anymore. You don't truly understand this until it starts to happen right in front of you. I guess it's a sign of growing up too. The activities we used to all enjoy together are old and past. Life goes on.
So much for blogging regularly....should probably stop watching Jersey Shore and do something productive!
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